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Monday, 30 May 2011

Running for FIFA presidency

I hereby announce my candidacy for FIFA presidency to prevent Blatter unopposed coronation for another term. Football clearly has it's problems and I'm confident that the following manifesto will sweep me to power in a landslide. I assume you can vote on Facebook or Twitter for me or something so I'll sit by the phone waiting on Jerome Valcke to call. Not all of the suggestions are entirely in jest.

Rule Changes

If, in the opinion of the referee, an attacker has dived to get a free kick then the defender accused of committing the foul gets a "free kick" at the attacker who is feigning injury. A few boots caving in rib cages should provide an incentive for players to stay on their feet.

If a defender shields the ball to allow it to run out for a goal kick or throw in, blocking an attacker from reaching the ball with his body then it's sodding obstruction. If you aren't in control of the ball then shielding it's a foul! It's a foul on the halfway line but for some reason not near goal.

Journeyman or average players wearing coloured boots are to be dealt with by automatic yellow cards. Only exciting players should be allowed to stand out in such a way. If a player refuses to change into footwear more befitting his ability and creativity then he is to be red carded. The credibility of football cannot stand up to the mockery of a defensive midfielder from Stirling Albion or Barnet giving it the "big I am" in red or yellow boots. People might see!

Clubs with boring away kits (i.e plain yellow or white) are be docked 20 points at the start of the season. Obviously this will cause major problems for Glasgow Celtic but they'll just need to sort it out.

League games ending 0-0 result in no points being awarded. The aim of the game is to score goals and if neither team scored then they've both failed. That should brighten up the last 20 minutes of some games and get rid of the "what we have, we hold" attitude displayed by some clubs.


World Cups for 2014, 2018 and 2022 are to be retracted and reallocated to countries which are better for me to watch on TV in terms of time zones. I remember '86, '94 and '02. World Cup games at ungodly hours interfere with my enjoyment of it. Either the host countries run on GMT or they lose the World Cup. I'm not sitting up till 2am to watch Belgium versus Tunisia but I would watch it at 7pm.

Corruption and bribery will not be cleaned up but lessened. I'm not honest but I'm cheaper then Blatter, Warner et al.

The Champions League, Europa League, Copa Libertadores, African Champions League and Asian Champions League are all to be downgraded in importance, prestige and prize money and FIFA will re-prioritise the Renfrewshire Cup as the World's Premier club tournament. The winners of champions League etc can all play each other in a play off for one place in the quarter finals against Arthurlie or Port Glasgow Juniors.

Unimaginative or Low Grade football punditry in the media will result in a country losing coefficient points. This will mean that football association will have to shut up the likes of Lawrenson, Shearer, Jamie Redknapp, Ray Hudson, Gerry McNee and Chick Young or face having to start qualifying for tournaments alongside teams from Andorra's fourth division.

Sponsorship deals will be reappraised. Some kit manufacturers will be told to sling their hook until they can make some decent kit (Reebok, Nike - you have been warned!). I am also of the opinion that FIFA arent making the World Cup commercial enough and will personally spearhead the search for the 2014 tornament sponsors depending on which companies send me the best goodies. 


My FIFA administration will be based largely around my own prejudices (settling scores with teams which annoy me) and while I have strongly held principles they can be bought at remarkably modest rates. I reckon I'd only need to last about six or nine months to be set for life then someone else can get a go.

I couldn't do any worse and promise not to piss all the money away swan and panda steak buffets.

Vote for me, what's the worst that could happen?